Have you ever been nervous before a difficult conversation because you couldn’t predict how it might turn out? Or instead, you were focused on worrying about the “what ifs” and avoided having the conversation altogether. You might have intended to discuss a challenging issue with a significant other, such as the state of your relationship, starting an honest conversation or being able to express your emotions.

Whether you're telling someone that work will not meet the deadline, or you’re leading a performance assessment that highlights someone’s weaknesses, difficult discussions are an unavoidable part of life. How can you prepare for these types of conversations? How does one find the correct words at the appropriate time? And how can you control the conversation to make it run as smoothly as possible?

According to workplace resource Bravely, 70% of employees are avoiding difficult conversations with their boss and colleagues. Whatever the goal of the difficult conversation, many things remain constant, and communication techniques always prove beneficial. Here are five principles for initiating difficult conversations…

1.     Be Solution Focused

Communicate directly and try to come to a solution when having a difficult conversation, by abandoning all blame. Recognition, particularly via your body language, will demonstrate whether you are listening to the other’s perspective. If you’re on the receiving end of addressing a concern, it’s important to admit your own faults where necessary, particularly if there has been a misunderstanding of an issue, setting unclear expectations or poor phrasing of feedback. When we focus on a solution or what can be done better, we avoid insulting and accusing others. Be honest about how you feel about the issue but refrain from blaming the other person or assuming that they are the only ones who must change to solve a situation.

2.     Select the Right Timing

Be deliberate in selecting the right time to bring up a difficult conversation. Our Emotional Intelligence, otherwise known as EQ, is linked to our circadian rhythm which are behavioural, physical, and mental changes that follow a 24-hour cycle. This connection means our bodies are better equipped to have difficult conversations and make clear-headed decisions in the morning, rather than in the afternoon. A study by Columbia University found that the likelihood for a prisoner receiving parole was two to six times more likely when the hearing was earlier in the day, due to the judge’s sharp critical thinking at this time of day, compared to those whose cases were later in the day.

You want to also take into consideration the place you are holding the conversation, respect each other’s privacy, as well as the timeliness of one’s emotions. It wouldn’t be wise to start a difficult conversation when the other person is upset or angry. This includes your own emotional management by identifying any hostility or desire to defend yourself.

3.     Problem Solving

Make time to write a list of what you hope to accomplish before you start the conversation and consider several scenarios before you go all in. Don't merely enter the discussion with a negative feeling and the intention of letting it all out. Instead, be clear and explicit in your own thoughts about what you want to express. Instead of complaining about the issue you've recognised, take the lead by explaining the adjustments you would like to see. “Our relationship is terrible right now” might convey the same message as “my desire for our relationship is to prioritise us spending time together”, which is less likely to incite defensiveness in the other person.

Another approach is to prepare your expected outcomes by writing down potential questions and answers in which the conversation may flow. Save these questions to revisit when you need to prepare for a difficult conversation.

4.     Agree to Disagree

It's not always necessary for the other person to agree with you. Even if they act defensive when you first bring up the topic, you only need to state your perspective in an assertive and well-reasoned manner so that they can hear it and decide whether to consider it later.

If the other person gets offended or takes your feedback personally (as long as you have communicated effectively), you can reiterate the importance of agreeing to disagree. On the other hand, if someone shares criticism or feedback with you in a way that makes you upset or angry; your feelings may indicate that the statement has some validity.

5.     Acknowledge the other’s perspective

This could be the most crucial part of having difficult conversations. It is important to explore and listen to each other’s stories and perspectives. Be prepared for the conversation to travel in unexpected directions and to hold space and empathy for the other person too. Don’t waste your breath attempting to convince others of your viewpoint, nobody can argue against your emotions and how you feel. Pause, so that you can truly hear what the other person is saying and be open to comprehending it from their point of view. This doesn’t mean you need to agree with them, but you can exhibit compassion by refraining from responding defensively.

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